Augustus/Edith Blankenship

Augustus Blankenship was a non-voiced character who was the focus of a documentary style sketch regarding his debased and cowardly conduct on the field of battle during the american civil war. As his horrified granddaughter Edith Blankenship listened on, a series of old letters from his comrades was read out, listing their disgusted reactions to his breaking rank and offering up his "rectal dignity" to the secessionists in a desperate plea to save his own life.

One soldier wrote that, after allowing a whole brigade of confederate soldiers to sodomise him: "So full of semen was his craven anus, I saw it weep seed like the eye of a tearful mother whose son marched off to war."

His sergeant however recounted that: "While some had their strength and courage to give for the united states, Augustus had only his anus. And he gave his anus for the united states more than any other man could."

The sketch rounds out with the host shouting "I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Ken Burns!" Possibly indicating that a poor old woman has been traumatised for entertainment, or more likely that the Mean Boys got bored writing the thing right about then and just gave up.

Ken Burns Civil War appeared in Episode 20: Rectal Dignity